Wednesday, December 28, 2011
God (?)
Tuhan, Kamu di mana?
Ketika namamu dijadikan tameng untuk pencitraan semata
oleh orang-orang munafik itu...
...Di mana Kamu, Tuhan?
Ketika kami mulai merasa hati nurani ini bukan bisikanMu,
melainkan hanya akumulasi dan bentukan norma sosial...
...Di mana Kamu, Tuhan?
Ketika kami mulai membuat justifikasi-justifikasi
dan segalanya jatuh dalam relativitas...
Hitam dan putih menjadi abu...
...Di mana Kamu, Tuhan?
...Tuhan?
Tuhan?
Kamu di sana?
*meraba-raba dalam gelap*
Monday, December 26, 2011
Paradoxical Enquiry
Random scratch during boring session of certain occasion.
Here and there, I see people shouting and wailing about death cause by starvation,
about how unequal and unfair it is...
They say, approximately 25,000 people die of hunger everyday.
What a perplexing statistic and fact, isn't it?
But
I also see how certain people complaining and becoming anxious about how abundant today's world population is. And it keeps growing, due to inability of third world countries to halt birth rate. Failed programs to educate their citizens.
This is where I think it's getting odd.
Why, on earth, do people keep on persisting to decrease death rate caused by poverty, abortions, and such,
when it is actually helping them to prevent uncontrolled growth of earth inhabitants?
Ah, my questioning the motive of people's persistence seems ridiculous, doesn't it?
It's understandable that they keep on doing so:
For the sake of humanity.
Yeah.
But what if I view it this way,
that those phenomenons are simply the way life trying to balance itself?
Balancing between life and death.
Yin and Yang.
Of course, if we view it specifically, case per case of starvation, what I've been saying will seem inappropriate.
After all, they suffer.
It was not instant death. They suffer to the point they have no more urge to live,
wishing that death will approach them himself.
Definitely, this is not the ideal condition we would wish to happen to us.
..........................
Ouch.
This macroscopical point of view makes me sounds cruel, doesn't it?
Either this blows your mind, or you find it as silly as other fallacies are.
Enlighten me, someone?
Monday, December 12, 2011
Tired
Things are getting too demanding.
Things that I thought would ease and have better understanding upon me are starting to demand their rights, too.
Things that used to hold me so I won't fall apart are now ones that torn me.
I don't know which to prioritise,
or I think I know. But then turns out I was wrong.
They are now against me.
I am confused, yet really am weary.
I wish I could just hibernate, or you guys could just ignore me for awhile.
Pretending that I am not here.
I need time to keep up so I will not lose myself.
I am tired.
Not sure if it was too heavy, or it is me who is weak.
But it is amazing is not it, to see how much burden such fragile human can bear?
I am not going to die soon, I promise (at least by my own hands).
I will prove how mighty human is in terms of survival.
The video is not somewhat related to the writing, but watching it enhanced what I have been feeling towards things lately. So I feel like somehow obligatory to embed it here.
Things that I thought would ease and have better understanding upon me are starting to demand their rights, too.
Things that used to hold me so I won't fall apart are now ones that torn me.
I don't know which to prioritise,
or I think I know. But then turns out I was wrong.
They are now against me.
I am confused, yet really am weary.
I wish I could just hibernate, or you guys could just ignore me for awhile.
Pretending that I am not here.
I need time to keep up so I will not lose myself.
I am tired.
Not sure if it was too heavy, or it is me who is weak.
But it is amazing is not it, to see how much burden such fragile human can bear?
I am not going to die soon, I promise (at least by my own hands).
I will prove how mighty human is in terms of survival.
The video is not somewhat related to the writing, but watching it enhanced what I have been feeling towards things lately. So I feel like somehow obligatory to embed it here.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Beauty
THEN
NOW
* * *
Dear Women,
Tell me,
why are we so trapped by that society-defined 'beauty'?
It changes through times anyway.
Pictures' source: vintage weight-gain ads
Monday, November 28, 2011
Reply
This writing was supposed to be a reply to my friend's opinion about her first theatrical experience as an audience. But turned out it is quite long that I decided to make a new post.
On your first point, I feel the same way when I watched Teater Koma's ANTIGONEO. The dialogues are tediously long, and I perceive that some scenes' existence are not that significant in supporting the whole plot line. But I think it's just me who didn't possess enough intelligence to understand them. Perhaps, that's really what theatre is all about (as you pointed out earlier).
I. Yudhi Soenarto (the director and scriptwriter) told us that all of the dialogues were carefully chosen, and he tried to make not even single sentence ends up pointlessly. Several are meant to strengthen the nature of each characters (as you said), some are additions in order to build logical & sensible plot, and the rest are allusions to ongoing political issues in our country. But I agree with you. It would be much better if those ideas could be delivered in much more concise dialogues.
And I have to admit that I personally think that the scenes' settings are not visually enchanting, compared to other plays I've watched. This has something to do with internal issues, but I don't think I'm supposed to write it down here, in publicly-visible social media.
You can compare the settings of this play to settings of 'Sayang Aku HIV, Kamu Ngapain Aja?' (2008) which was also produced by Teater Sastra UI.
Perhaps this also affected your interest in watching the play, since you're a visual person.
I spotted interesting point there, about the internal jokes. I did not notice this at all until you pointed it out. Sure, the jokes are supposed to be generally acceptable. Regarding the internal jokes, I. Yudhi Soenarto of course avoids including any form of it in the script. But, the actors did lots of improvisations on stage. I am pretty sure that the internal jokes are recited out of consciousness. Please note that I'm not trying to justify my fellows' (or even mine?) mistakes. We should have avoided that, I know.
Which part of the dialogues that contained internal jokes (which you wouldn't get unless you read the booklet), if I may ask? :)
About the costumes, I also think they were pleasing to the eye. And what's amazing about it is the fact that we didn't rent any costumes. We have a pile of clothes, I don't know how did they get those clothes, but the point is, that the pile is some kind of 'stock of costumes'. All they (people from costume division) did was just mix-matching those clothes, and it has to have no similarities (at least, the audiences won't notice) with costumes in previous plays. If you remember my first costume, the white transparent (some kind of) lace around my arms? It was actually a tutu skirt, pressed by the black vest I wore afterward. The costume division deserves salutation, don't you think?
On your questions about the plot... Well. I will try to explain it from my point of view and from what I've known. People can have different interpretations, and what I am going to say could in fact deviate from what actually I. Yudhi Soenarto intended it to be. Forgive me if such misunderstandings happen.
Okay. Now I am confused how to start this.
*cough*
I perceive that the Prime Minister initial suggestion about holding the 'Baju Baru Sang Raja' festival was free from any intention of embarrassing The King. He suggested it merely in order to present idea to celebrate The King and Queen's wedding anniversary in such glamour way, which was an allusion on how our government frequently wastes money and allocates it for unnecessary expenses. Do you remember the case when members of People's Representative Body (sounds pretty weird, but I checked Miriam Budiarjo's textbook regarding this term. Finally, 'Introduction to Political Science' subject is put into good use. Ha!) proposed to make golden rings for them, as a 'farewell' item? Well, I associates that case with this scene.
But, the Defence Minister saw this as an opportunity to take over the reign. Of course, he couldn't do it with his own hands. He needed mass and back-ups to run his plan, so that he will not be spotted in case it ends up failing.
On the other side, the activists had their own interest to take down the king, with their own motives. But, you see, they're in deficiency of funding. That's why, I guess, they initially suggested about participating in the festival as contestant (though in the end they didn't).
This was where the needs of Defence Minister and the activists' interest met. The Defence Minister willingly funded the activists' demonstration (though he emphasise not to be mentioned at all), and the activists willingly held demonstration to achieve Defence Minister's and their own goal. It was explained in the third scene, if I am not mistaken.
Apparently, there's third party involved in this plan. I hope you still remember the part where Defence Minister was receiving phone call and doing conversation in English. From his dialogues (monologues), we can assume that he was making phone call with foreigner.
Bruce Wong was also making phone call in the penultimate scene, elaborating that the plan went just well. I assume the person that was talking to Bruce Wong was the same person as the one who phoned Defence Minister. That person from America, with unknown background, was the mastermind of this plan. He has his own motives, of course, by interfering the political condition in that kingdom, but that was not elaborated explicitly in the play.
Is there anything more in the designer other than he's from America or is he involved with the plan along with the activist/defence minister?
Yes, the designer was involved with the plan along the Defence Minister and activists.
Isn't that mean that the evil minister and the activist was lucky enough that the king making a fool of himself at the time? They only wanted to point out how much money the king spent for it right?
Nope. I'm really sorry for the badly organised explanation, but I hope you get my point. They weren't lucky. The King's making fool of himself at the time was not coincidence. It was well planned coup d'état
About your lack of interest in politics... I hear you, mate, I hear you. I was never a fan of politics too.
As Peter Merkl said,
Indeed, politics is excruciating topic to contemplate on for some people. That's why this play was delivered in the form of satyric comedy, in hope that we can deliver the message through laughter. So that the issue could be accepted by general audiences. I'm so sorry that we failed to satisfy you in this aspect :(
Additions
I let Nosa Normanda (the one who played Bruce Wong) saw your post. He thanks you for the critics. To respond your critics, his argument was:
'In this play, 'context' was everything. If you can't relate the allusions to the on going political context, you'll fail to understand and enjoy this performance.'
I asked him whether other plays are similar to this, that it has elongated dialogues and such. He said,
'There are many kinds of approach that could be used to develop the plot line. This one's called Brecht (since it was initiated by Bertold Brecht). Brecht explored theatre as a forum for political ideas.'
I guess that explains why the dialogues were incredibly long. There were extractions of I. Yudhi Soenarto's political ideology, I think.
He also suggests you to read Kompasiana's article. This article reviewed the play scene per scene, pretty much detailed. It will help you to understand the context, in case you are interested :)
* * *
On your first point, I feel the same way when I watched Teater Koma's ANTIGONEO. The dialogues are tediously long, and I perceive that some scenes' existence are not that significant in supporting the whole plot line. But I think it's just me who didn't possess enough intelligence to understand them. Perhaps, that's really what theatre is all about (as you pointed out earlier).
I. Yudhi Soenarto (the director and scriptwriter) told us that all of the dialogues were carefully chosen, and he tried to make not even single sentence ends up pointlessly. Several are meant to strengthen the nature of each characters (as you said), some are additions in order to build logical & sensible plot, and the rest are allusions to ongoing political issues in our country. But I agree with you. It would be much better if those ideas could be delivered in much more concise dialogues.
And I have to admit that I personally think that the scenes' settings are not visually enchanting, compared to other plays I've watched. This has something to do with internal issues, but I don't think I'm supposed to write it down here, in publicly-visible social media.
You can compare the settings of this play to settings of 'Sayang Aku HIV, Kamu Ngapain Aja?' (2008) which was also produced by Teater Sastra UI.
Perhaps this also affected your interest in watching the play, since you're a visual person.
I spotted interesting point there, about the internal jokes. I did not notice this at all until you pointed it out. Sure, the jokes are supposed to be generally acceptable. Regarding the internal jokes, I. Yudhi Soenarto of course avoids including any form of it in the script. But, the actors did lots of improvisations on stage. I am pretty sure that the internal jokes are recited out of consciousness. Please note that I'm not trying to justify my fellows' (or even mine?) mistakes. We should have avoided that, I know.
Which part of the dialogues that contained internal jokes (which you wouldn't get unless you read the booklet), if I may ask? :)
About the costumes, I also think they were pleasing to the eye. And what's amazing about it is the fact that we didn't rent any costumes. We have a pile of clothes, I don't know how did they get those clothes, but the point is, that the pile is some kind of 'stock of costumes'. All they (people from costume division) did was just mix-matching those clothes, and it has to have no similarities (at least, the audiences won't notice) with costumes in previous plays. If you remember my first costume, the white transparent (some kind of) lace around my arms? It was actually a tutu skirt, pressed by the black vest I wore afterward. The costume division deserves salutation, don't you think?
On your questions about the plot... Well. I will try to explain it from my point of view and from what I've known. People can have different interpretations, and what I am going to say could in fact deviate from what actually I. Yudhi Soenarto intended it to be. Forgive me if such misunderstandings happen.
Okay. Now I am confused how to start this.
*cough*
I perceive that the Prime Minister initial suggestion about holding the 'Baju Baru Sang Raja' festival was free from any intention of embarrassing The King. He suggested it merely in order to present idea to celebrate The King and Queen's wedding anniversary in such glamour way, which was an allusion on how our government frequently wastes money and allocates it for unnecessary expenses. Do you remember the case when members of People's Representative Body (sounds pretty weird, but I checked Miriam Budiarjo's textbook regarding this term. Finally, 'Introduction to Political Science' subject is put into good use. Ha!) proposed to make golden rings for them, as a 'farewell' item? Well, I associates that case with this scene.
But, the Defence Minister saw this as an opportunity to take over the reign. Of course, he couldn't do it with his own hands. He needed mass and back-ups to run his plan, so that he will not be spotted in case it ends up failing.
On the other side, the activists had their own interest to take down the king, with their own motives. But, you see, they're in deficiency of funding. That's why, I guess, they initially suggested about participating in the festival as contestant (though in the end they didn't).
This was where the needs of Defence Minister and the activists' interest met. The Defence Minister willingly funded the activists' demonstration (though he emphasise not to be mentioned at all), and the activists willingly held demonstration to achieve Defence Minister's and their own goal. It was explained in the third scene, if I am not mistaken.
Apparently, there's third party involved in this plan. I hope you still remember the part where Defence Minister was receiving phone call and doing conversation in English. From his dialogues (monologues), we can assume that he was making phone call with foreigner.
Bruce Wong was also making phone call in the penultimate scene, elaborating that the plan went just well. I assume the person that was talking to Bruce Wong was the same person as the one who phoned Defence Minister. That person from America, with unknown background, was the mastermind of this plan. He has his own motives, of course, by interfering the political condition in that kingdom, but that was not elaborated explicitly in the play.
Is there anything more in the designer other than he's from America or is he involved with the plan along with the activist/defence minister?
Yes, the designer was involved with the plan along the Defence Minister and activists.
Isn't that mean that the evil minister and the activist was lucky enough that the king making a fool of himself at the time? They only wanted to point out how much money the king spent for it right?
Nope. I'm really sorry for the badly organised explanation, but I hope you get my point. They weren't lucky. The King's making fool of himself at the time was not coincidence. It was well planned coup d'état
About your lack of interest in politics... I hear you, mate, I hear you. I was never a fan of politics too.
As Peter Merkl said,
Politics at its worst is the selfish grab for power, glory, and riches.
Indonesia's politic has reached this degree, and I'm so disgusted with it. I feel like it shows nothing but how cruel, selfish, and beastly people can be. How true the phrase 'Homo Homini Lupus' is.
Indeed, politics is excruciating topic to contemplate on for some people. That's why this play was delivered in the form of satyric comedy, in hope that we can deliver the message through laughter. So that the issue could be accepted by general audiences. I'm so sorry that we failed to satisfy you in this aspect :(
Additions
I let Nosa Normanda (the one who played Bruce Wong) saw your post. He thanks you for the critics. To respond your critics, his argument was:
'In this play, 'context' was everything. If you can't relate the allusions to the on going political context, you'll fail to understand and enjoy this performance.'
I asked him whether other plays are similar to this, that it has elongated dialogues and such. He said,
'There are many kinds of approach that could be used to develop the plot line. This one's called Brecht (since it was initiated by Bertold Brecht). Brecht explored theatre as a forum for political ideas.'
I guess that explains why the dialogues were incredibly long. There were extractions of I. Yudhi Soenarto's political ideology, I think.
He also suggests you to read Kompasiana's article. This article reviewed the play scene per scene, pretty much detailed. It will help you to understand the context, in case you are interested :)
* * *
Thank you so much for the critics!
Though you didn't seem to enjoy the performance, I really am glad you write honestly about what you think about it, and that you didn't pretend to like it. Which brings us into (some kind of) discussion regarding this topic! This may not be a pretty neat reply to your questions, but I hope it will be satisfying enough for you (if not, please don't hesitate to make another reply).
I advise you to not so quickly jump into conclusion that theatre is not your thing. Like stated before, theatre consists of lots of types and sub-types. Maybe it's just this one doesn't suit you well.
Though you didn't seem to enjoy the performance, I really am glad you write honestly about what you think about it, and that you didn't pretend to like it. Which brings us into (some kind of) discussion regarding this topic! This may not be a pretty neat reply to your questions, but I hope it will be satisfying enough for you (if not, please don't hesitate to make another reply).
I advise you to not so quickly jump into conclusion that theatre is not your thing. Like stated before, theatre consists of lots of types and sub-types. Maybe it's just this one doesn't suit you well.
Lastly, I really thank you, Rani, for your willingness to spare your time watching this, for your support, encouragements each time before I performed. And now I read that you wrote,
'I was there for a friend'.....
It... really touches me. To certain extent.
I've already forgotten what it was like when a friend did something so sincere for me.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Come-back Message
I guess there's no need for me to say sorry for the millionth time since it's now start to sound hackneyed.
My last post was on the 7th of September. Haven't posted anything ever since. Now it's nearly the end of November.
Okay, I admit this blog has been terribly abandoned. Horribly. For nearly 3 months.
I am currently writing this with mixture of excitement, rage, and disappointment with myself. I couldn't tell which has the biggest portions. I really am excited to write and tell you a lot of things that has been happening for the last 3 months, like, reaaallly lot--tremendous in quantity--things. Well, how could not so? Lots of things happens in a single day, depends on what perspective you put in seeing things. And imagine that it has been accumulated for 3 months--90 days plus plus. Wow. Millions of tiny fragments of life momentums.
On the other side, I am in sort of anger and disappointment, that I could not control and force myself to write. Write. Just to sit in front of computer and to type something. Trash, poems, whatsoevers. I could not. How could so? I keep procrastinating and seeking reasons for not doing something instead of seeking urges to push me through. Not that I am not distracted with academic business for the past 3 months... It's just, writing supposed to be my way to escape, to heal myself through those hectic moments. And now that I have to push that hard to make myself to WRITE something... I start to question whether this is really the call of my life. Nah, but that's just one of those insignificant silly thoughts that pointlessly appears, I guess.
Pardon me if this writing seems to be pretty disorganised in terms of grammar, vocabulary, structure, content, and such. The blade has been blunt and rusty due to its lack of usage, it seems.
Like I've said, I have a lot to tell you and I couldn't help but hope that I shall not forget what exactly are things that I'm going to tell you. In order to not letting those things be forgotten, I may write my next posts not neatly organised in term of timeline. I may write what happened yesterday first, then I move slowly to what happened three days ago, last week, et cetera. I shall write what I initially remember, sequentially and emotionally.
And, oh, I would like to inform you that I'd likely to abandon this blog for another week, due to my first theatrical performance in Graha Bakti Budaya, Taman Ismail Marzuki on November 25th-27th.
It is going to take my whole weekend, and I have to rehearse in Taman Ismail Marzuki from November 23th, so... yeah. The schedule's pretty tight next week.
Maybe you're currently questioning, why on earth, out of sudden, I could take part in a play that performs in TIM? Well, lots of things definitely has occurred during my absence, hasn't it? :)
My last post was on the 7th of September. Haven't posted anything ever since. Now it's nearly the end of November.
Okay, I admit this blog has been terribly abandoned. Horribly. For nearly 3 months.
I am currently writing this with mixture of excitement, rage, and disappointment with myself. I couldn't tell which has the biggest portions. I really am excited to write and tell you a lot of things that has been happening for the last 3 months, like, reaaallly lot--tremendous in quantity--things. Well, how could not so? Lots of things happens in a single day, depends on what perspective you put in seeing things. And imagine that it has been accumulated for 3 months--90 days plus plus. Wow. Millions of tiny fragments of life momentums.
On the other side, I am in sort of anger and disappointment, that I could not control and force myself to write. Write. Just to sit in front of computer and to type something. Trash, poems, whatsoevers. I could not. How could so? I keep procrastinating and seeking reasons for not doing something instead of seeking urges to push me through. Not that I am not distracted with academic business for the past 3 months... It's just, writing supposed to be my way to escape, to heal myself through those hectic moments. And now that I have to push that hard to make myself to WRITE something... I start to question whether this is really the call of my life. Nah, but that's just one of those insignificant silly thoughts that pointlessly appears, I guess.
Pardon me if this writing seems to be pretty disorganised in terms of grammar, vocabulary, structure, content, and such. The blade has been blunt and rusty due to its lack of usage, it seems.
Like I've said, I have a lot to tell you and I couldn't help but hope that I shall not forget what exactly are things that I'm going to tell you. In order to not letting those things be forgotten, I may write my next posts not neatly organised in term of timeline. I may write what happened yesterday first, then I move slowly to what happened three days ago, last week, et cetera. I shall write what I initially remember, sequentially and emotionally.
And, oh, I would like to inform you that I'd likely to abandon this blog for another week, due to my first theatrical performance in Graha Bakti Budaya, Taman Ismail Marzuki on November 25th-27th.
Yippie-ka-yeay!
Maybe you're currently questioning, why on earth, out of sudden, I could take part in a play that performs in TIM? Well, lots of things definitely has occurred during my absence, hasn't it? :)
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Crucifix
About a week ago, I was spending family time with my father and brother. We just bought cinema ticket, and the movie was going to start in about an hour, so we decided to stroll around the mall, seeing if there's anything that might caught our eye to be bought.
Right when we were about to pass a christian bookstore, my father paused his walk, and asked me,
'I am thinking about buying you a decorative crucifix... What say you?'
I did some kind of astonished and bewildered expression on my face, before I replied,
'Huh? For what?'
'You know, to be hung on your room's wall, on the wall beneath the door, perhaps?'
I was not sure how to respond this. I did not see this coming and was not that pleasant when the idea of doing so being represented. I thought of my preference of not being pretty much attached with religious symbolism, hence I replied,
'I guess, there will be no need for me to buy such thing.' I smirked as if I perceive the idea was pretty silly.
'Oh, okay then.' My father didn't change his countenance.
We then continued our walk. After awhile, there's some kind of distracting feeling that seemed to worsen each seconds. I couldn't help but wonder, have my spiritual condition been that severe, that I refuse to be related of any religious symbolism? And most of all... I did feel really bad for rejecting my father's offer.
After few minutes of reconsideration, I told him,
'Pa, I changed my mind. Let's go buy the crucifix.'
He looked at me with kind of look I couldn't seem to interpret.
'You're weird.'
Even so, we did go back to the christian store and buy the crucifix. I felt relieved.
* * *
Moments ago I was texting with my father. He asked me if I have put the crux on the wall.
'Not yet, I still put it on my desk,' I typed.
Lest that he might think I am not happy of the crucifix's being in my room, I despised myself for haven't tried to hang it on the wall using sellotape. So I did that before my father replied any of my texts.
I should have known it wouldn't be possible that the sellotape was enough to keep the crux being attached to the wall. I should have. Even until know I keep cursing myself why haven't I thought of that.... because the moment I stepped down the chair and took distance from the wall to see if the height was enough, the crux slipped down and broke into pieces.
My heart seemed to sink.
I tangled with confusion for moment, engrossed with grief, when my mobile phone made a sound. Dad had replied my text.
'Ask the landlady to seek for help to nail the crux onto the wall'
Yeah, why hadn't I thought of that. Too little too late.
I immediately told my father regarding the misfortune, indeed. Well... I couldn't know how his real feeling was, seeing the fact that conversation in texts seem to be expressionless. He said it was okay, he's going to buy a new one. I wailed about how I adore the appearance of this one, and he ensured me that he is going to buy the exact same crux. I apologised him numerous times, felt really sorry for being unappreciative of his giving, and he said it's alright. His replies only made me feel guilty even more.
Regardless my clumsiness that seems to prove otherwise, I believe that each gifts has its personal value themselves, that though the gift was chosen from (perhaps) lots of similar ones, it was different. Replacement of broken gifts does not really work as 'replacement'. Each gifts has its own story, that's what I perceive. That's what makes me grieve even more. Though my father is going to buy a new one, it was not going to be the same.
I feel like I'm being punished by the universe.
Right when we were about to pass a christian bookstore, my father paused his walk, and asked me,
'I am thinking about buying you a decorative crucifix... What say you?'
I did some kind of astonished and bewildered expression on my face, before I replied,
'Huh? For what?'
'You know, to be hung on your room's wall, on the wall beneath the door, perhaps?'
I was not sure how to respond this. I did not see this coming and was not that pleasant when the idea of doing so being represented. I thought of my preference of not being pretty much attached with religious symbolism, hence I replied,
'I guess, there will be no need for me to buy such thing.' I smirked as if I perceive the idea was pretty silly.
'Oh, okay then.' My father didn't change his countenance.
We then continued our walk. After awhile, there's some kind of distracting feeling that seemed to worsen each seconds. I couldn't help but wonder, have my spiritual condition been that severe, that I refuse to be related of any religious symbolism? And most of all... I did feel really bad for rejecting my father's offer.
After few minutes of reconsideration, I told him,
'Pa, I changed my mind. Let's go buy the crucifix.'
He looked at me with kind of look I couldn't seem to interpret.
'You're weird.'
Even so, we did go back to the christian store and buy the crucifix. I felt relieved.
* * *
Moments ago I was texting with my father. He asked me if I have put the crux on the wall.
'Not yet, I still put it on my desk,' I typed.
Lest that he might think I am not happy of the crucifix's being in my room, I despised myself for haven't tried to hang it on the wall using sellotape. So I did that before my father replied any of my texts.
I should have known it wouldn't be possible that the sellotape was enough to keep the crux being attached to the wall. I should have. Even until know I keep cursing myself why haven't I thought of that.... because the moment I stepped down the chair and took distance from the wall to see if the height was enough, the crux slipped down and broke into pieces.
My heart seemed to sink.
I tangled with confusion for moment, engrossed with grief, when my mobile phone made a sound. Dad had replied my text.
'Ask the landlady to seek for help to nail the crux onto the wall'
Yeah, why hadn't I thought of that. Too little too late.
I immediately told my father regarding the misfortune, indeed. Well... I couldn't know how his real feeling was, seeing the fact that conversation in texts seem to be expressionless. He said it was okay, he's going to buy a new one. I wailed about how I adore the appearance of this one, and he ensured me that he is going to buy the exact same crux. I apologised him numerous times, felt really sorry for being unappreciative of his giving, and he said it's alright. His replies only made me feel guilty even more.
Regardless my clumsiness that seems to prove otherwise, I believe that each gifts has its personal value themselves, that though the gift was chosen from (perhaps) lots of similar ones, it was different. Replacement of broken gifts does not really work as 'replacement'. Each gifts has its own story, that's what I perceive. That's what makes me grieve even more. Though my father is going to buy a new one, it was not going to be the same.
'I guess, there will be no need for me to buy such thing.'
I feel like I'm being punished by the universe.
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