Monday, July 25, 2011

Self-reflection: Hatred

To those who have been following me on Twitter, you may have known I have issue with certain contempt nights ago. With this particular local singer, to be exact.


I can hardly recall when exactly I started detest that public figure.
And in case you're asking the reasons why... I don't know what to say either.

Well, she is commonly considered as one of the most talented artist ever (in our nation), constantly praised due to her winning numerous awards, bla bla bla and such. But I somehow loathe her enormously talking of 'going international soon' bla bla bla when in fact, after some time of waiting, it has never been actually brought into realisation. I get the feeling that most of her so-called achievements was actually being blown up out of their portion. I get the feeling that her career built merely out of hype. I really could not understand why lots of people fail to see those aspects.
I ignore the fact that most of my thoughts could most probably be only preconceptions. And that night, my intense dislike was blown up by several tweets that seemed to ensuring my prejudices, that she actually bribed for collaborations, she was actually one least modest individual, bla bla bla.

The next morning I woke up, I reread my tweets and realised how superficial do they sound.
Uh-oh.

Despite the probability that my preconceptions are true, it is undeniable too that she did give noticeable efforts to get right there. Yet I insist on not considering them. It's human nature, I guess, to not merely cheer on people who achieve great things and start to seek their flaws. Or is it just me? Well, sorry for being that evil.
Though it is general that people tend to emphasize on the negative sides of other individuals and ignore (perhaps) huge proportion of the positive ones.

Like portrayed in the following scene:

'A long time ago, a splendid wedding ceremony was held.
The couple getting married were considered the village's top couple.
A gorgeous location was picked, a great many people attended.
Everything about the wedding was wonderful.


Apart from the bride slipping at the end and landing face-first into the cake.


.....


After that, every time someone talked about the wedding.
The guests would only remembered that single flaw.
The bride's fall was particularly terrible.
Even though everything up to that point had been perfect,
everyone forgot about those happy memories.'


- Akira E. Ferrari. ARIA, chapter 44: 'Prima Donna'




After been contemplating for moments I admitted that words written (or said) with intense anger and hatred are rarely, rarely leading to something.
Instead of assuring the people whose opinions are in contrary with ours, it usually will only shows immature side of yours, since comments made with hatred are hardly supplied with sufficient amount of subjectivity, aren't they? 
It will be wiser then to not show hatreds and reconsider it twice or perhaps thrice before stating them, I suppose.


*   *  *

Oh this does not necessarily mean that I change my inclination in a single night, that I turn from hater into fanatic. Nope.

I still--err not really that into her in general. Yet, instead of throwing abusive words and sarcasms due to my dislike, I'll try giving constructive criticism.
I'll try real hard.

Monday, July 18, 2011

Terrified

Have you ever

afraid that whole your life, you will end up neither doing something nor make significant deeds?

I have.

In fact, I do feel that way
Every single day

Hearing stories about geniuses who made achievements I can't even think of,
people who have successfully succeeded and been brilliant in their youth,
is motivating.
But yet also frightens me.

I do not see myself in the future as housewife who has nothing to do instead of taking care of households each day.
I have high standards.
I have dreams, I have hopes.
I have plans.
I even preached that I should have done something before 20, something I could be proud of
And to think that I have less than 3 years to go...
is rather depressing.
Why?
If my anxiety come true: that I had done nothing until the moment I passed my 20th birthday
I really am afraid
that all the plans I have planned won't go along as well
And I will die being nobody
...

It is 00.02 AM here. A day had just passed.
And if you ever wonder, why the hell I write this very unimportant writing
It is because I am terrified
that I will waste another day again doing nothing.




Sunday, July 17, 2011

Prayer

On the note of being black, white, asian, caucasian, melanisian, african, et cetera...
On the note of racism issues.


"Tuhan, kenapa kau ciptakan kami berbeda?
Tapi tak kau buat kami cukup pintar untuk mengerti bahwa kami semua sama...?"


Wednesday, July 13, 2011

(say hi to) DAUL KIM


I was contemplating what to write tonight when I suddenly reminded of her. I then added her blog's link to my page.
The 'I LIKE TO FORK MYSELF' one...? Yes, that is hers.

You may (not) know her. She is Daul Kim, a South-Korean supermodel.
I initially found out about her while I was googling about any Asian supermodel, regarding my former obsession about being supermodel......... Hey. Please stop going all 'hmphhhh'.
Well, I was anxious about my height and thought they probably would make exception for Asian supermodels, considering that Asian tend to be shorter than Caucasian. Apparently not. Daul Kim herself reached at least 175 cm tall. Okay. Bye bye runway, bye bye Vogue.

At first I did not think of her as one of those gorgeous models. She looked pretty plain to me. But then I started to get interested in her. I might as well as praised her for not turning into overrated Korean-looks these days... you know, bright coloured T-shirts, plastic surgery, geo-lens, etc. She's being genuine, keeping her fierce figure and slinted eyes.




I googled more about her, found out that she had a blog, and falling for her in instance. Her thoughts were deeply intelligent. Her writings were distinguishable, honest, original, one of a kind.... She was sarcastically witty. Oh yes I strongly suggest you to stroll all over her posts! She's clearly one interesting individual.

I began to routinely check her latest post until one day, her blog was locked to public viewer.
I can't help myself wondering why. Then I found out she committed suicide on November 19th, 2009, hung herself in her apartment in Paris.

Dang.

I indeed did not know her personally, but I feel all sad and grief when I discovered that. You know... immersed in someones' writings might give you the impression that you are kinda know that person, kinda know their personality, etc. Looking thoroughly from what she had been writing, I absolutely can not say that she was one of those short-minded person (which description usually considered fit those who committed suicide)

She read books. And if we are going to make prejudices about someone, they are best corroborated by seeing what kind of literature they have been reading, no?


She read Tolstoy

In case you are not in the mood of clicking the video due to your irresistibly sluggish internet connection and such: Daul was telling that she was reading one of Tolstoy's novels titled Hadji Murad when one of her fellow models asked her what she has been reading.
'Tolstoy,' answered she.
'Ohh you're reading Toy Story!'
'No, Tolstoy.' She shook hear head.
'Oh, Toy Story. You said it Toy Sto-wy'
'It's Tolstoy.' She insisted.
'No, no. That's not how you say it. It's Toy Story.'
Daul then tried spelling it, 'T-o-l-s-t-o-i' (alternative spelling of Tolstoy)
The model responded, 'Who's Tolstoi?' And Daul was like errgghhhh. She hated how the model treated her like she had had bad pronunciation regarding the fact she was non-native English speaker. 

I found it funny yet ironic in the same time.
Well....
Someone who had been reading Tolstoy is indeed not all narrow-minded, isn't she?

Stereotypes let us consequently think that brainy usually does not go along with beauty, so it is understandable that I started to admire her as soon as I knew that she was not one of those kind of models, who were just pretty but pretty much empty-headed.

I do not know what would you think of her after seeing that very video, but to me she had quite bubbly and amiable personality, which made me even sadder.

For some time, I couldn't stop enquiring why on earth she would have ended her life in the first place. In general people's perspective, she had what most girls may dying to have for in life: being top model, etc. Not to mention she was likely on the top of her career just before her death, being one of Karl Lagerfeld's favourite. 

Oh, didn't I mention to you that she was a painter too? She ever held solo exhibition of her painting in Seoul.




May not be considered as well-accomplished in skill, perhaps, but it is art to me. And it is rather deep....
It's like, she's more than just meet the eye, hiding something behind her smiles, darkness beyond colours she had chosen to show. She seemed to be trapped in some kind of loneliness we can't even reach, circumstances we won't even understand. She constantly posted about being depressed and hurting herself, but then she added that she was kidding and just fine, and everyone thought she really was kidding. Until that really happened.

* * *

Her posting in April 2007 titled 'my idol' caught my eye. She wrote about female singer she used to idolize when she was 10. She then elaborate that singer's career, which seemed to deteriorate according to her, because she started to go rather commercial, lose her identity, and then forgotten. Daul then wished that the singer may just die before she released her 3rd album, before her going all famous, so that the singer may remain legend in her heart, remembered as how Daul used to remember her.

I could not really know what could be her urge on doing suicide, what was her last thought.
But if, just if, and I'm not trying to be mean here, only if.....
her reason was just because she wanted to be remembered THIS way, the way I describe Daul like THIS, before she's left forgotten and being nobody,
I think..... that is.... pretty much agreeable.



I love you Daul!



P.S.: You may be wondering why I constantly made reference to her blog despite it was being closed...? It is because her blog was opened again, in archive format! Enjoy reading glimpse of her :)

Monday, July 4, 2011

Merely Lucky

First of all, it is started from a single sentence:

I got accepted. In my dream university, University of Indonesia. Yeay.

The announcement was on June 29th, supposed to be on 7 pm. Yet, I can't help myself to keep refreshing the website, logging in numerous times, in hope the result came up before time scheduled. And it did. On 5 pm, it appeared.
Me. Got. Accepted.
I glanced at my mobile screen, and thought if it was some kind of joke. I started doubting if the link belongs to the official website, or if there was an error....

I sit calmly afterwards, waited until 7 pm to see if the result remain the same. And it still did!
I, who was filled with cynicism before, bewildered, and later the doubt turn into happiness and excitement.

But the euphoria won't last long. Hearing my fellows who did not make it through, the joy soon tainted by grief.

The more I listed the name of my friends who failed, the more I thought that this is just rather... irrational.

Some (or may I say, 'quite many'?) people tend to relate this to one's cleverness degree. Majority thinks that this is just as simple as answering questions as much as you could, getting marks as high as possible. Then those who did not get accepted are simply...what...not smart enough?

Wrong.

I happened to have the answer key (well, they have spread all over the internet, you can find it easily). I then matched my answer with my friend, and found that our marks are slightly different. I got approximately 55%, and she got 51%. Yet, I got accepted, and she did not.

I also participated in so-called quick count (yeah, like ones they do in general election) in a forum. There was a guy who scored way higher than I did. He was aiming for getting into Political Science department, which supposedly, supposedly, was rather easier to get into than Communication department. Yet, I got accepted, and he did not.

There is also another fellow whom I know she happened to attend BTA (some kind of course that helps students to learn the materials for university entrance test) and she eventually scored splendidly there, ranked 1st to 3rd among 300 students or so in each try-outs. Surely I was way below her.
And she did not get accepted. Bam. Mind-blown.
I was so going to pull my hair when I found out about that, for whateversake!

Then there is a friend whom I recently got acquainted with, put Psychology as her 1st choice, and Communication as 2nd choice. The entrance rate of Communication is lower than Psychology, hence her priority list is technically wrong, but since she prefer Psychology to Communication, then it is okay I guess.
What so curious is... the fact that she got accepted in Communication instead of Psychology.
You see, considering the entrance rate, when her marks are enough to enter Communication, supposedly, again, supposedly, it will be automatically enough to enter Psychology too. But the result did not say so. Logically failed.
Now, it is officially absurd.

 This is nothing like daily exam, which errors you can find and then you can beg the teacher to revise your marks. No. This... we could not really know our actual result, or our rivals'. We would not know if there was any 'X' factor put into consideration of our acceptance or rejection.

Hence, I could not help myself raising my eyebrows when I saw several postings in a forum I visited.
The author bragged so much about the superiority of public universities, especially ITB, UI, UGM, and despised those who entered private universities. He agreed that 3,5 GPA reached in private universities could be considered as an equal of 2,5 GPA reached in public universities. He described how low the quality of private  universities is (according to him). He cited that those who entered private universities simply retarded, etc etc. I do not have to elaborate any further, do I?
I do not understand how someone who 'so-called-genius' enough to enter public university could turn out to be all cocky and shallow.

I can not say there is not any jots of proud in me regarding my university entrance, but to be that conceited... I must have disgusted with myself.

Now, now, if you say that perhaps those who got accepted had worked harder than anyone who failed (so they may deserve to show some vanity), I am very sorry to say I have to object your very opinion.
I might be the person with the lowest effort among anyone I know, and please do note that I am not trying to be modest here... Really. I feel so undeserving compared to how hard my friends worked out for this.

If you say that perhaps those who got accepted had stronger fighting spirit compared to the rest, I must say that I have, most probably, worst competitive mentality ever. I tend to experience some kind of... mentality breakdown right before the D-day. I cried the night before the day of written test in National Science Olympic. Similar thing happened on the night of July 30th. Thanks to my bf who seems to always know the right words to console me.

If you say that perhaps those who got accepted had intenser will to get into their dream university, I... Nah, you would not say that, would you? We all know that all of the SNMPTN participants dying to be enrolled (A bit exaggerating, but more or less so. You get my point.)

The thing is... after elaborating this much I still am not certain why on earth I got accepted.
Guess I merely am lucky. And that motivates me not to spill this opportunity.

Sincerely hoping that it will do that to you too.





P. S. : To those who did not get accepted yet, you are definitely not plainly dumb. I really am wishing for the best regarding the result of your upcoming/past written test :)